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Joke Thread - not for the easily offended


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#1 Bundy

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Posted 19 December 2010 - 11:21 PM

Craig, can we get a sticky joke thread? :shock:

I'll start us off with a few sniders;

The wife was telling me that a friend of hers from work gets smacked about a lot by her husband.
Then she told me that, if I ever hit her, I'd only do it the once.
"That's what I love about you," I said.
She said, "What do you mean?"
I replied, "You learn from your mistakes."

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My sexlife has not been going so well so I decided to buy the missus a dildo. She said to me "it looks like a giant carrot", which is ironic, because her fanny looks like a donkey yawning

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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her feckin appendix out!"

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My wife thought this was hilarious so;

http://i966.photobuc...es/d234c39a.jpg


Which one's yer favourite?

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#2 johnarob

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Posted 20 December 2010 - 11:21 AM

little johnny is in class and the teacher is asking them all for a sentence with the word fascinate.

Tommyy says " my dad took me to the zoo and it was fascinating" - "nice" said the teacher "but not correct"
Mary says " I am fascinated by the planets and the solar system" - "nice" said the teacher "but not correct"

Teacher then very reluctantly allows little johnny his turn;

"my auntie bought herself a new blouse with ten buttons on it, but her tits are so big she could only fascinate"

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#3 Camshy

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Posted 20 December 2010 - 05:33 PM

little johnny is in class and the teacher is asking them all for a sentence with the word fascinate.

Tommyy says " my dad took me to the zoo and it was fascinating" - "nice" said the teacher "but not correct"
Mary says " I am fascinated by the planets and the solar system" - "nice" said the teacher "but not correct"

Teacher then very reluctantly allows little johnny his turn;

"my auntie bought herself a new blouse with ten buttons on it, but her tits are so big she could only fascinate"

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:lol:

#4 black dog

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Posted 20 December 2010 - 06:44 PM

Craig, can we get a sticky joke thread? :shock:

I'll start us off with a few sniders;

The wife was telling me that a friend of hers from work gets smacked about a lot by her husband.
Then she told me that, if I ever hit her, I'd only do it the once.
"That's what I love about you," I said.
She said, "What do you mean?"
I replied, "You learn from your mistakes."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My sexlife has not been going so well so I decided to buy the missus a dildo. She said to me "it looks like a giant carrot", which is ironic, because her fanny looks like a donkey yawning

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her feckin appendix out!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife thought this was hilarious so;

http://i966.photobuc...es/d234c39a.jpg


Which one's yer favourite?


The doctor & nurses one for me Bundy

tumblr_n3bgrvEUK91rerzc4o1_400.gif

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#5 black dog

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Posted 20 December 2010 - 06:45 PM

little johnny is in class and the teacher is asking them all for a sentence with the word fascinate.

Tommyy says " my dad took me to the zoo and it was fascinating" - "nice" said the teacher "but not correct"
Mary says " I am fascinated by the planets and the solar system" - "nice" said the teacher "but not correct"

Teacher then very reluctantly allows little johnny his turn;

"my auntie bought herself a new blouse with ten buttons on it, but her tits are so big she could only fascinate"

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Good one John... :lol:

tumblr_n3bgrvEUK91rerzc4o1_400.gif

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!


#6 Guest_hayzaboy_*

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Posted 20 December 2010 - 06:46 PM

Bundy nil point

John( well done,good stuff you could tell your maiden aunt that one and it would raise a titter...) one point.

#7 black dog

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Posted 20 December 2010 - 07:05 PM

Three male labradors, 1 chocolate 1 yellow and 1 black were in the vets waiting room and struck up a conversation.
The black lab says to the chocolate one 'So why are you here'? The chocolate lab replied 'I'm a pisser, piss on everything....the sofa, curtains, cat the kids but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed' The black lab asks 'So what is the vet going to do'? The chocolate lab replies 'Gonna cut my nuts off, they reckon it'll calm me down'.
The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks why it is here. The yellow lab replies 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers, I dig for the hell of it but last night I went over the score and dug a huge hole in my owners sofa. 'So what are they going to do to you' asks the black lab. 'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too' said the dejected yellow lab.
The yellow lab then asked the black lab and asked him why he was at the vets. The black lab says 'I'm a humper, I hump the cat, pillows, tables, fence posts, anything. Yesterday my owner had just emerged from the shower and as she was bending down to dry her toes I couldn't resist it. I hopped on her back and started humping away. The yellow and chocolate labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too'? 'Nup' says the black lab, 'I'm here to get my nails clipped'.

tumblr_n3bgrvEUK91rerzc4o1_400.gif

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!


#8 black dog

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Posted 20 December 2010 - 07:08 PM

1) Three guys who live in the same block of flats sadly pass away on the same day. Unfortunately instead of going to heaven they go down the way. They're met at the gates to Hell by the Devil himself. Sorry about this lads says the Devil but we're almost at full capacity so to get in you must have committed some terrible action or have died a terrible death. He asks the first guy what happened. Well he says, I've suspected the wife of having an affair for a while so I finished work early and went home and there she was lying naked on the bed. I searched the house but couldn't find a man. I went out onto the balcony to try and calm down and then I saw them, the fingertips of two hands clinging to the edge of the balcony so I got a hammer and smashed them till they let go. I looked over and there was a man falling to the ground but the lucky bugger landed in the branches of some trees breaking his fall so in a rage I ran into the kitchen, picked up the fridge, flung it over the balcony and it clocked him right on the napper killing him stone dead. Okay says the Devil, you're in. The next guy informs Old Nick that he was on a day off and as it was a nice day he decided to put on some soothing music and sit out on his balcony with a few beers. Unfortunately he had several too many, stumbled and fell off his balcony. Plummeting to earth he thought his time had come but miracle, he stuck out his hands and managed to grab the edge of a lower balcony. Unfortunately said the guy, some nutter starts smashing my fingers with a hammer and I start falling again but Oh Lord another miracle, I land in some trees wich cushion my fall. I'm saved I thought then I look up and see a bloody fridge coming at me. Hit me right on the head and that was me dead. Okay says the Devil, you're in. What about you the Devil says to the third guy. Okay the guy says, picture this-There I am, hiding naked in a fridge.

2) A young lad goes for a job as a farrier. He enters the premises and the head farrier asks him if he has ever shoed a horse? Naw says the lad but I once told a donkey to piss off.

3)An Australian (we'll call him Barry) whiz kid was so fed up with the city rat race he decided to sell up his business and city home. He bought a small home with a good bit of ground in the outback miles from anywhere or anyone. Months passed by without him seeing anybody when one afternoon a truck pulled up outside his house. The driver we'll call him Bruce). knocked on the door and Barry welcomed him into his home grateful for company. Hi said Bruce, I stay 40 miles away, I'm your nearest neighbour & I thought I should come and introduce myself. Well, pleased to meet you said Barry. Anyway says Bruce, I'm having a bit of a shindig at my place tonight and I'd love you to come. There'll be lots of beer, lots of grub, lots of dancing and lots and lots of shaggin'! Great says Barry who else is going to be there? Oh says Bruce, nobody , just you and me.

tumblr_n3bgrvEUK91rerzc4o1_400.gif

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!


#9 johnarob

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Posted 20 December 2010 - 09:05 PM

cheers hayza..

Dog..i liked the simple short shoe and donkey one... :lol:

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
-------------------------
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in B&Q either."

#10 craig

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Posted 21 December 2010 - 07:19 AM

ive made it a sticky Bundy :D

#11 craig

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Posted 21 December 2010 - 07:53 AM

so far i think the donkey one is the best.

Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in hissell

(maybe that has to be said out loud)

#12 Geordieghirl88

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Posted 14 January 2011 - 10:23 PM

What do you call a manwith a bottle of shampoo on his head.... Tim o tea
Any fool can critisize, condem and complain, and most fools do...

#13 weedessie

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Posted 14 January 2011 - 10:52 PM

there's four shites on a wall....which one is the musketeer?.....the dark tan yin!

#14 jimmy gomis

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Posted 15 January 2011 - 01:02 AM

My wife thought this was hilarious so;

http://i966.photobuc...es/d234c39a.jpg


:lol: That's quality.

#15 ian_mcg

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Posted 03 February 2011 - 10:03 AM

One blond says to another, "I slept with a Brazilian last night". Another blond says, "Wow, how many is that"

A guy walks into his new Psychiatrist's office dressed in cling wrap. The DR. looks up at him and says, "Well sir, I can clearly see you're nuts!

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#16 Bundy

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Posted 03 February 2011 - 05:34 PM

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the shit out of me there!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Paul Scholes, He Scores Goals


#17 black dog

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Posted 03 February 2011 - 06:39 PM

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the shit out of me there!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


:lol: :lol: ..Godd one Bundy.

tumblr_n3bgrvEUK91rerzc4o1_400.gif

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!


#18 craig

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Posted 03 February 2011 - 10:15 PM

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the shit out of me there!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


:lol:

#19 craig

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Posted 03 February 2011 - 10:15 PM

A guy walks into his new Psychiatrist's office dressed in cling wrap. The DR. looks up at him and says, "Well sir, I can clearly see you're nuts!


:lol:

#20 weedessie

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 08:44 PM

picked my pal "jimmy the magician" up from the airport the other day and as he sat his arse on the seat he said" right dessie, i've learned a new trick..stick this blindfold on me and take me to anywhere in britain and i'll tell you where we are"..alright says i so drove north for about 3 hours and stopped.."right jimmy, where are we?"..jimmy rolls down the window, sticks his hand out,wiggles his fingers about..."i can feel a strange mix in the air of oil and wool..we're in aberdeen" ..correct jimmy..well done..so i drive away with jimmy still wearing his blindfold...six hours later i stop the car again..jimmy rolls down the window and sticks his hand out..."i feel the sootiness of coal in the air..we're in newcastle".."right again jimmy"...so i drive away again and three hours later stop again ..jimmy rolls down the window and sticks his hand out...."i can feel the sound of bagpipes and the sticky sweetness of rock..we're in edinburgh"..well done jimmy!...so an hour later i stop the car again...jimmy rolls down the window and sticks his hand out..."we're in glasgow"..."hows that jimmy , can you feel the steeliness of the shipyards or the smell of buckfast?"..."naw" says jimmy.."some fuckers' stole my watch!" :D




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