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Joke Thread - not for the easily offended


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#21 Guest_hayzaboy_*

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Posted 07 February 2011 - 10:00 PM

Dont give up the day job FFs.

#22 craig

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 06:56 AM

Dont give up the day job FFs.

I liked it. I liked how he fitted in his name so that it really was a story. Its good when someone starts telling you about something that happened to them and you don't realise it's a joke until the punchline

#23 johnarob

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 03:39 PM

3 nuns die in a car crash (god save their souls)...they are whisked up to the pearly gates where St Peter is waiting.

"ok nuns, i know you will get in but we have to follow protocol and for that i need to ask each of you a religion based question"

nun 1, the youngest, steps forward and St Peter says, "who was the first woman on earth"..."Eve" replies the nun; "well done nun in you go" says St Peter

nun 2 steps forward, "and for you sister, who was the first man on earth"...."adam" says the the nun..."well done sister, in you go too"

the 3rd nun, a mother superior, steps up. "now sister, as you are vastly experienced i have to make this a little more tricky now, i hopw you understand" ..."of course St Peter, fire away" answers MS...."ok then, what were the first words Eve spoke when she saw Adam"..."jeez" says the mother superior....."thats a hard one right enough"...

....and that was the 3 of them in.

#24 black dog

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 06:54 PM

3 nuns die in a car crash (god save their souls)...they are whisked up to the pearly gates where St Peter is waiting.

"ok nuns, i know you will get in but we have to follow protocol and for that i need to ask each of you a religion based question"

nun 1, the youngest, steps forward and St Peter says, "who was the first woman on earth"..."Eve" replies the nun; "well done nun in you go" says St Peter

nun 2 steps forward, "and for you sister, who was the first man on earth"...."adam" says the the nun..."well done sister, in you go too"

the 3rd nun, a mother superior, steps up. "now sister, as you are vastly experienced i have to make this a little more tricky now, i hopw you understand" ..."of course St Peter, fire away" answers MS...."ok then, what were the first words Eve spoke when she saw Adam"..."jeez" says the mother superior....."thats a hard one right enough"...

....and that was the 3 of them in.


What gets me John is if they were both first woman and man ever on earth how did Evie baby know what hard was and what soft was, how could she differentiate?....






















Only kidding...Good one.... ;)

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#25 johnarob

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Posted 08 February 2011 - 08:47 PM

3 nuns die in a car crash (god save their souls)...they are whisked up to the pearly gates where St Peter is waiting.

"ok nuns, i know you will get in but we have to follow protocol and for that i need to ask each of you a religion based question"

nun 1, the youngest, steps forward and St Peter says, "who was the first woman on earth"..."Eve" replies the nun; "well done nun in you go" says St Peter

nun 2 steps forward, "and for you sister, who was the first man on earth"...."adam" says the the nun..."well done sister, in you go too"

the 3rd nun, a mother superior, steps up. "now sister, as you are vastly experienced i have to make this a little more tricky now, i hopw you understand" ..."of course St Peter, fire away" answers MS...."ok then, what were the first words Eve spoke when she saw Adam"..."jeez" says the mother superior....."thats a hard one right enough"...

....and that was the 3 of them in.


What gets me John is if they were both first woman and man ever on earth how did Evie baby know what hard was and what soft was, how could she differentiate?....

I'm told it's female intuition Dog... ;)





















Only kidding...Good one.... ;)



#26 sheeptastic

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 12:03 AM

cowboy riding on his horse in the wild west gets captured by some indians, the indians are away to scalp the cowboy when he asks for a last request, the indians agree so the cowboy goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear, the horse rides off and comes back an hour later with a beautiful blonde and the cowboy is allowed to have his wicked way with her. The indians enjoying what they see decide to allow the cowboy one more last request, the cowboy goes over to his horse again and this time whispers in its ear 'I said posse'

#27 ian_mcg

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 02:31 PM

cowboy riding on his horse in the wild west gets captured by some indians, the indians are away to scalp the cowboy when he asks for a last request, the indians agree so the cowboy goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear, the horse rides off and comes back an hour later with a beautiful blonde and the cowboy is allowed to have his wicked way with her. The indians enjoying what they see decide to allow the cowboy one more last request, the cowboy goes over to his horse again and this time whispers in its ear 'I said posse'



:lol: :lol:
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#28 Charlie Bhoy

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 09:52 PM

The jap sailing team must be eager 4 the olympics.They are arriving @ Dover already....

#29 craig

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 09:54 PM

The jap sailing team must be eager 4 the olympics.They are arriving @ Dover already....

Harsh but highly topical. It did raise a smile that made me feel guilty

#30 black dog

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 09:57 PM

The jap sailing team must be eager 4 the olympics.They are arriving @ Dover already....


Didny take you long mate... :lol: :lol: Were ye swept along on a wave of emotion?.... ;)

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#31 Bundy

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 10:04 PM

I was told it was the surfing team :lol:

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#32 johnarob

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 10:11 PM

I was told it was the surfing team :lol:


thats the one i got too.....shameful, but there you go... :roll:

#33 Bundy

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 10:15 PM

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

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#34 Bundy

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 10:21 PM

RECESSION BEATER

Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car'


Husband replies ' if you'd take it up the @rse we could get rid of the nanny!'

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#35 johnarob

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 10:23 PM

german nanny.... ;)

#36 black dog

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Posted 11 March 2011 - 10:41 PM

Liked them both Bundy...Posted Image

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#37 Bundy

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Posted 12 March 2011 - 12:08 AM

Wife didn't come home one night.
Next morning she told her husband she slept at a friends house.
Husband calls her 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it......

So one night the husband didn't come home.
Next morning he says he slept over at a friends house,
Wife calls his 10 best friends,
8 confirm that he slept over
And 2 said he was still there!!!!!

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#38 black dog

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Posted 13 March 2011 - 11:48 AM

Ex President George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.



"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let you decide who leaves."



George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.



The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."



The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.



The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, performing oral sex.



George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."



The devil smiled and said,

"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!


#39 black dog

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Posted 16 March 2011 - 06:45 PM

A salesman drove into a small town in the Highlands where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't miss Alex, The Amazing Scotsman'.

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There on an illuminated centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willie and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings.

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't miss Alex, The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old man was still alive, much less still doing that particular act.

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his impressive appendage.

The crowd went wild. Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Well laddie,' said Alex, 'Ma eyes are no' whit they used tae be.'

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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!


#40 The Spectacular One

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Posted 17 March 2011 - 01:27 PM

A chinese fella goes for a chef`s job at the Auchtermuchty Hotel wearing a fox`s hat.The owner looks at the fella with a puzzled expression before saying to the man "I havent got time to interview you but as it is near lunchtime pop into the kitchen and make me my lunch if i enjoy it the job`s yours.So the wee fella pops into the kitchen and rustles up a stir fry.The manager woifs down the stir fry and says"that was delicious the jobs yours,but before you go whats with the fox`s hat" the chinese guys replies.............."Ah sat to fafer i go for job in Auchtermuchty hotel and he say to me "wear a foxhat"




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