Jump to content


Photo

Joke Thread - not for the easily offended


1970 replies to this topic

#1941 Hairy Scot

Hairy Scot

    There can be only one.

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,260 posts

Posted 27 March 2017 - 03:25 AM

I'm putting this link here because I think it's amusing:-

http://www.worldatio... see to believe

 

However, not everyone may agree.    :twisted:

 

 


Common sense

 

 

 


#1942 cmon norn iron

cmon norn iron

    A living legend

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,666 posts

Posted 28 March 2017 - 12:38 PM

As the 'other' woman inserted her fingers into my wifes pussy, understandably i decided to have a wank.

Midwifes have no sense of humour!

GettyImages-539573328.jpg

British Champions......33 years and counting Manchester Utd........20 times and counting


#1943 Hairy Scot

Hairy Scot

    There can be only one.

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,260 posts

Posted 30 March 2017 - 10:33 PM

Capture.JPG


Common sense

 

 

 


#1944 cmon norn iron

cmon norn iron

    A living legend

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,666 posts

Posted 01 April 2017 - 07:34 PM

I've managed to avoid about 50 April fools jokes this morning.

I've lost my job as an emergency service operator as a result though!

GettyImages-539573328.jpg

British Champions......33 years and counting Manchester Utd........20 times and counting


#1945 cmon norn iron

cmon norn iron

    A living legend

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,666 posts

Posted 23 April 2017 - 06:09 AM

I told the doctor that i was suffering from premature ejaculation,
how does your wife feel about it he asked, well she took it on the chin the first time but recently It's been getting on her tits.

GettyImages-539573328.jpg

British Champions......33 years and counting Manchester Utd........20 times and counting


#1946 black dog

black dog

    Sooty is watching YOU!

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 67,381 posts

Posted 23 April 2017 - 06:30 AM

A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and, every once in a while, a £20 note fell out onto the pavement. 
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
 
"Oh, really ? Damn it !!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer." 
"Well now, not so fast," said the cop.. "Where did you get all that money ? You didn't steal it, did you ?" 
"Oh, no, no," said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,'why not make the best of it'. So now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy ! Give me £20 or off it comes !!'" 
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop laughing. "OK. Good luck !! Oh by the way, what's in the other bag ?" 

"Not everybody pays !!"


tumblr_n3bgrvEUK91rerzc4o1_400.gif

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!


#1947 Hairy Scot

Hairy Scot

    There can be only one.

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,260 posts

Posted 04 May 2017 - 03:54 AM

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok?These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”


Common sense

 

 

 


#1948 cmon norn iron

cmon norn iron

    A living legend

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,666 posts

Posted 17 May 2017 - 11:16 AM

I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on...

At least she's honest!

GettyImages-539573328.jpg

British Champions......33 years and counting Manchester Utd........20 times and counting


#1949 sployal

sployal

    Veteran

  • Members
  • 869 posts

Posted 18 May 2017 - 05:48 PM

Bin lorry and crew are doing the rounds emptying the wheelie bins.
The binman can't find the bin outside a gate so goes in and rings the bell.
2 minutes later and after 3 rings the door opens and a Japanese guy sticks his head outside.
"hello" says the binman, "where's yur bin"?
"argh hurro" answers the Jap "i bin toilet"
"no man, you don't understand, where's yur dust bin"?
The Jap looks a bit upset but answers back "i just bin toilet"
"ok, for the last time mate" says the binman looking at his watch "where's yur wheelie bin"?
"hoky, hoky " answers the red faced Jap "i really bin toilet finishing wank". 



#1950 cmon norn iron

cmon norn iron

    A living legend

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,666 posts

Posted 18 May 2017 - 05:52 PM

Bin lorry and crew are doing the rounds emptying the wheelie bins.
The binman can't find the bin outside a gate so goes in and rings the bell.
2 minutes later and after 3 rings the door opens and a Japanese guy sticks his head outside.
"hello" says the binman, "where's yur bin"?
"argh hurro" answers the Jap "i bin toilet"
"no man, you don't understand, where's yur dust bin"?
The Jap looks a bit upset but answers back "i just bin toilet"
"ok, for the last time mate" says the binman looking at his watch "where's yur wheelie bin"?
"hoky, hoky " answers the red faced Jap "i really bin toilet finishing wank". 

 

The oul ones are the best :dance:  :dance: 


GettyImages-539573328.jpg

British Champions......33 years and counting Manchester Utd........20 times and counting


#1951 Hairy Scot

Hairy Scot

    There can be only one.

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,260 posts

Posted 25 May 2017 - 12:50 AM

vultures.PNG


Common sense

 

 

 


#1952 cmon norn iron

cmon norn iron

    A living legend

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,666 posts

Posted 25 May 2017 - 04:37 PM

Screenshot_2017-05-25-17-33-16-1.png

GettyImages-539573328.jpg

British Champions......33 years and counting Manchester Utd........20 times and counting


#1953 cmon norn iron

cmon norn iron

    A living legend

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,666 posts

Posted 25 May 2017 - 04:39 PM

There were 10 in the bed & the little one said...

"These NHS cuts are ridiculous."

GettyImages-539573328.jpg

British Champions......33 years and counting Manchester Utd........20 times and counting


#1954 sployal

sployal

    Veteran

  • Members
  • 869 posts

Posted 26 May 2017 - 01:59 PM

It was a late spring Friday afternoon and things were quiet in the office.
Boss calls in his secretary (his mistress) and says "let's close up honey, go back to your place and spend the rest of the afternoon in bed".
Off they go and make passionate love for over 3 hours and exhausted they fall asleep.
Guy wakes up at 8pm, shakes awake the mistress and shouts "Jesus Christ look at the time, i must get home to the wife, this time I'm found out for good".
While pulling on his clothes he hands the mistress his shoes and says "honey, take these out to the garden and rub them in the grass and dirt".
An hour later the guy opens the front door to be confronted by his raging wife who screams "have you seen the time, where have you been and what's your excuse this time"?
"darling, i  can't lie to you anymore" replies the husband "i spent another afternoon in the arms of my mistress, the lovemaking was so passionate and intense that afterwards we fell asleep in each others arms".
The wife looks him up and down before screaming in a rage "lying bastard, you've been out playing that fucking golf with your mates again".



#1955 Hairy Scot

Hairy Scot

    There can be only one.

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,260 posts

Posted 01 June 2017 - 12:45 AM

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table.

She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lies face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled.

He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."

 

 

 

 

 

 

He got the job.

 

 


Common sense

 

 

 


#1956 Hairy Scot

Hairy Scot

    There can be only one.

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 17,260 posts

Posted 01 June 2017 - 12:45 AM

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I dont know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, 'WHO'S IN THE MOOD'?????!!!!! And she acts like shes sound asleep.
It works every time!"


Common sense

 

 

 


#1957 black dog

black dog

    Sooty is watching YOU!

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 67,381 posts

Posted 03 June 2017 - 12:44 PM

Paddy's wife is about to give birth, so he rushes her to the hospital. When they arrive the midwife asks Paddy how dilated she is. Paddy replies "Oh Jaysus, we're both over the fucking moon...."


Edited by black dog, 03 June 2017 - 12:44 PM.

tumblr_n3bgrvEUK91rerzc4o1_400.gif

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind!


#1958 sployal

sployal

    Veteran

  • Members
  • 869 posts

Posted 04 June 2017 - 09:39 PM

Indian guy comes to live in little Scottish village (200 inhabitants 1 pub).
Wanders into the pub during the weekly darts competition and orders a half pint of the local brew.
The locals wanting to be friendly an all that ask him if he fancies a game of darts.
Indian guy wins every fucking game, gets pissed on all the beer he's won and decides to settle.
5 years later, the village is thriving, Indian fast-food take away's, corner shops, tailors a bookmakers, even flats built and a new school to educate the thriving community which now has over 2 thousand inhabitants.
After all that hard work the guy goes back home on holiday, when his village people ask him about how he made it in Scotland he replies "i go to Scottish village, i go in pub and buy beer".
"Is that all it takes" asked the villager's, "no" he replies, "i had to take up one of their stupid pub games throwing arrows at a round board" and what's that game called then asks 1 of the locals.
"I don't really know" answers the Indian "but i think it's called Jammy Black Bastard won again". 



#1959 sployal

sployal

    Veteran

  • Members
  • 869 posts

Posted 06 June 2017 - 05:39 PM

The regimental sergeant-major of the Scots Guards marches down the Royal Mile and goes into the local chemists.
He pulls out a well used and torn condom, hangs it before the chemist woman and asks "good day to you madame, how much to get this thing repaired?"
The woman takes a look at the ripped and torn condom and replies "well sergeant-major, this is a bit beyond repair".
"Can't anything be done?" asks the sergeant-major in disappointment.
"well", replies the chemist, "we may be able to do something but why not just buy a new one it only costs 10p, for the repairs it will be at least 5p".
The sergeant-major thinks for a minute before replying "i can't make such a big decision on my own, I'll be back shortly" and marches back up the Mile and into the Castle.
The next day he marches back down the Mile, strolls into the chemists, hands over the condom and says "after a lot of consideration, the regiment has finally decided just to have it repaired".



#1960 Lord Bastion

Lord Bastion

    Muppet Police

  • Members (over 1000 posts)
  • 30,984 posts

Posted 06 June 2017 - 05:57 PM

The regimental sergeant-major of the Scots Guards marches down the Royal Mile and goes into the local chemists.
He pulls out a well used and torn condom, hangs it before the chemist woman and asks "good day to you madame, how much to get this thing repaired?"
The woman takes a look at the ripped and torn condom and replies "well sergeant-major, this is a bit beyond repair".
"Can't anything be done?" asks the sergeant-major in disappointment.
"well", replies the chemist, "we may be able to do something but why not just buy a new one it only costs 10p, for the repairs it will be at least 5p".
The sergeant-major thinks for a minute before replying "i can't make such a big decision on my own, I'll be back shortly" and marches back up the Mile and into the Castle.
The next day he marches back down the Mile, strolls into the chemists, hands over the condom and says "after a lot of consideration, the regiment has finally decided just to have it repaired".


So bad..... it's good :lol:
Posted Image

For Gingers health and safety.......Please keep our mountain clear........




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users