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Joke Thread - not for the easily offended


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#1961 cmon norn iron

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:28 PM

My girlfriend dumped me & left a note on the fridge door. It said 'this isn't working, bye'.

I just opened the fridge and its working fine!

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#1962 cmon norn iron

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:29 PM

Two men were arrested for masturbating in my local newsagents...

It was all over the papers!

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#1963 cmon norn iron

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:29 PM

Wife just asked if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. My response of,"Dont worry your tits cover it" wasnt what she was expecting

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#1964 cmon norn iron

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:30 PM

A man with a clipboard stopped me and asked "Where do you stand on breastfeeding in public?"

I said "At the front, staring at her tits!"

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#1965 sployal

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:30 PM

My girlfriend dumped me & left a note on the fridge door. It said 'this isn't working, bye'.

I just opened the fridge and its working fine!

Did she leave you the beer norn?



#1966 sployal

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:32 PM

Love them one liners.



#1967 cmon norn iron

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Posted 08 June 2017 - 07:00 PM

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen. A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner. The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him. "50 pounds." comes the reply. "50 pounds?!?" says the vicar, startled.
"Yep, fifty pounds or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.
The following week, the bishop's around for his supper and is having a wander around the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home. He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"
"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the vicar.
"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"
"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty pounds, actually"
"Fifty bucks? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."

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#1968 cmon norn iron

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Posted 08 June 2017 - 07:02 PM

A PROFESSOR in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad, from Kandahar - Afghanistan raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?
Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.....

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#1969 cmon norn iron

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 09:28 AM

I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' and I must say I was very pleased with the result.

Those piranhas don't fuck about!

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#1970 cmon norn iron

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 10:53 AM

Son: What's love juice daddy?

Me: It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sex. Anyway? What are you watching?

Son: Wimbledon

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#1971 cmon norn iron

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Posted 21 June 2017 - 08:14 PM

My brother was so mean when I was a child...

He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them!

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