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Joke Thread - not for the easily offended


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#1961 cmon norn iron

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:28 PM

My girlfriend dumped me & left a note on the fridge door. It said 'this isn't working, bye'.

I just opened the fridge and its working fine!

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#1962 cmon norn iron

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:29 PM

Two men were arrested for masturbating in my local newsagents...

It was all over the papers!

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#1963 cmon norn iron

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:29 PM

Wife just asked if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. My response of,"Dont worry your tits cover it" wasnt what she was expecting

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#1964 cmon norn iron

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:30 PM

A man with a clipboard stopped me and asked "Where do you stand on breastfeeding in public?"

I said "At the front, staring at her tits!"

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#1965 sployal

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:30 PM

My girlfriend dumped me & left a note on the fridge door. It said 'this isn't working, bye'.

I just opened the fridge and its working fine!

Did she leave you the beer norn?



#1966 sployal

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Posted 06 June 2017 - 07:32 PM

Love them one liners.



#1967 cmon norn iron

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Posted 08 June 2017 - 07:00 PM

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen. A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner. The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him. "50 pounds." comes the reply. "50 pounds?!?" says the vicar, startled.
"Yep, fifty pounds or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."
So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way.
The following week, the bishop's around for his supper and is having a wander around the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home. He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"
"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the vicar.
"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"
"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty pounds, actually"
"Fifty bucks? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."

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#1968 cmon norn iron

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Posted 08 June 2017 - 07:02 PM

A PROFESSOR in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad, from Kandahar - Afghanistan raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?
Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.....

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#1969 cmon norn iron

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 09:28 AM

I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' and I must say I was very pleased with the result.

Those piranhas don't fuck about!

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#1970 cmon norn iron

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Posted 17 June 2017 - 10:53 AM

Son: What's love juice daddy?

Me: It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sex. Anyway? What are you watching?

Son: Wimbledon

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#1971 cmon norn iron

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Posted 21 June 2017 - 08:14 PM

My brother was so mean when I was a child...

He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them!

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#1972 black dog

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 10:09 AM

 Hello! Mario's pizza?

No sir it's Google Pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? Do you know me?
According to caller ID, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust
- OK! That's it
May I now recommend ricotta, arugula with sun dried tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
But your cholesterol is 7.4
- How do you know?
Through the subscriber's guide. We have your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I don't want this pizza, I already take medicine
You haven't taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased 30 tablets at Drugs Online
- I bought more from another pharmacy
It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have another source of cash
This is not showing on your last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-BLOODY HELL? Stuff Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm off to an Island without the internet. 

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport; it expired 5 weeks ago.."


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#1973 Young Lochinvar

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 10:19 AM

 Hello! Mario's pizza?

No sir it's Google Pizza.
- So it's a wrong number?
No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please ..
Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? Do you know me?
According to caller ID, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust
- OK! That's it
May I now recommend ricotta, arugula with sun dried tomato?
- No, I hate vegetables
But your cholesterol is 7.4
- How do you know?
Through the subscriber's guide. We have your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I don't want this pizza, I already take medicine
You haven't taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago, you only purchased 30 tablets at Drugs Online
- I bought more from another pharmacy
It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have another source of cash
This is not showing on your last Tax form unless you got it from undeclared income source
-BLOODY HELL? Stuff Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm off to an Island without the internet. 

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport; it expired 5 weeks ago.."

 

That's not a joke, it's a true story.



#1974 black dog

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Posted 28 June 2017 - 10:21 AM

That's not a joke, it's a true story.

 

I was swithering abut where to post it so I had a toss up (with a coin I may add)..... :lol:


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#1975 Hairy Scot

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 07:56 PM

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#1976 Hairy Scot

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 10:20 PM

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’d been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, the flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail….

 

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!


 

 

 

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#1977 Hairy Scot

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Posted 17 July 2017 - 10:52 PM

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#1978 Hairy Scot

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Posted 31 July 2017 - 12:34 AM

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