975 replies to this topic

[weedessie]

BREAKING NEWS...Duff and Phelps weren't Rangers first choice as administrators...they wanted Whitney Houston as they knew she wouldn't pull the plug!

[Elchappy]

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,

"Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks,

"What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,

pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

[douglasta]

Man is walking home one late evening when a masked man jumps ou of the bushes and say's to him, "remember a young Dustin Hoffman", then runs away.

Slighty startled, although unscathed by the encounter, the man continues on his way but when he reaches his house, the same guy jumps out of the driveway and shouts, "remember a young Dustin Hoffman", then runs away, again.

The man quickly enters his house when the phone rings and when he answers he hears a voice say, "remember a young Dustin Hoffman", before the caller hangs up.

This time, the man is worried and calls the police.

The policeman asks him, "is there anything you can tell us about this man, sir"?

"Yes", he replies. "He reminds me of a young Dustin Hoffman"!

[Bundy]

A farmer orders a hi-tech milking machine and desides to test it on himself.

He sticks his penis in and it starts slurping away automatically.

When he has blown his load, he realises that it's stuck and he can't get it disconnected and his discomfort builds quickly.

He reads the manual and pushes all the buttons but nothing works, so he starts to panic.

Calming himself just enough, he rings the free-call customer service Hot-Line.

"Hello - I just bought one of your hi-tech milking machines, and while it works fantastically, how do I remove it from the cows udder?"

"The errr cow appears to be in a lot of pain" he says while grimacing.

"Don't worry" replies the customer service rep, "The machine will release when it recieves two litres of milk

[JHR]

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, Rather Small.

Oh How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,

The Awesome Strength It Doth Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,

And Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,

If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,

Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,

If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,

And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,

But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow


Stand proud you noble swingers of club and losers of balls

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. Almost feels like a hybrid.

[Big JJ]

...... and in other news, we ask if the latest hackers have sunk to an all time low by hacking some systems from extremely sensitive areas. Professor Steven Hawking said " yo mamma is so fat mudderfukker innit".......

[idontbelieveit]

The wife was telling me that a friend of hers from work gets smacked about a lot by her husband.
Then she told me that, if I ever hit her, I'd only do it the once.
"That's what I love about you," I said.
She said, "What do you mean?"
I replied, "You learn from your mistakes."

My pal always says' "Never lift your hand to a woman. Use your boot, and kick her in the fanny because she wont show that to the polis"

[Gusmeister]

Just got a new aftershave that smells like bread crumbs. The birds fucking love it!

[Gusmeister]

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's in Manchester, Security Guard asks her "what's your mum like?" Little girl replies..."Big Cocks & Vodka!"

[pandamonk]

This isn't a joke, but it is funny. Read the whole thing: http://www.bbc.co.uk...otland-17354374

[Big JJ]

I was looking through the hole that I drilled into my next door neighbours bedroom today, when suddenly I saw her masturbating over a photo of me.


I couldn't believe it, what a fucking pervert!

[Charlie Bhoy]

I looked out my window & saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike. I rushed out & pushed through the crowd.
Are you a doctor said an old woman. No i screamed, He has ma fuckin pizza...

[Charlie Bhoy]

Paddy goes intae a florist & says i want 2 buy some flowers 4 my girlfriend.
Certainly sir what are you after..
Paddy replies... A shag...

[Charlie Bhoy]

Dyslexic kid asks his mum 4 a Mcdonalds.. She says you can have it if you can spell it.
Fuck it he says i will have a k f c...

[Charlie Bhoy]

Did you know that 40% of people play with themselves in the shower & the other 60% prefer 2 sing.
Do you no what song they sing....
No didnt think you would..

[Charlie Bhoy]

My new thai girlfriend reckons that a wee dick shouldnt effect our sex life
She may well be right, but id rather she didnt have 1 at all.

[Charlie Bhoy]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such shutter speeds, that its now possible 2 take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut..

[Charlie Bhoy]

Paddy & his wife were discussing their sex life. I want 2 try something different 2night he said. i want 2 try the wheelbarrow position.
What the fuck is that she says.
Its were you bend over hands on the floor, i pick you up & shag you from behind paddy says.
Ok she says but on 2 conditions.
1, If it hurts you stop & 2 make sure we dont go past my mums...

[Charlie Bhoy]

Marriage councilor says 2 a couple.. Tell me something you both have in common..
After a long silence the man says neither of us suck cock...

[Charlie Bhoy]

Its my black stepsons birthday 2day so as a surprise ive left an extra tenner in my coat pocket..